BEWARE - Buddhist Viruses are Lurking on the Web

Professor Richard P. Hayes of McGill University in Canada has compiled a list of known viruses inhabiting Buddhist's computers. These viruses have been around for thousands of years and they even defy the skills of McAffey. You can visit Professor Hayes at and

THERAVADA TERROR (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU. While relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the effect of making your computer refuse to intake or process any hard data after noon. (Female scholars need not be concerned about this virus, since female CPUs are not entitled to receive full ordination.)

MADHYAMAKA MONSTER: systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by a bit having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1 nor 0. The screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator taps a key, an information box pops up saying, "There are no statements in this information box."

VIJNANAVADA VEXATION: is the only known computer virus that has no effect whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there is no real distinction between a computer program and the data it processes. One extreme version of this viral scourge (also known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of making your software believe that it is the only software in the universe.

VAJRAYANA VIRUS: attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart. The computer itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is transformed into mush with the inane message "The passions themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is data." The operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload billions of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible mandalas onto Web sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient machines.

INDRAJALA INFECTION: which causes all sentient beings to be networked, all information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is removed from the network neither it nor its previous context can be said to exist. (Also known as the 'ten coins terror'). Rumour has it this was the by-product of a marketing slogan coined by a lama doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, "the network is the operator". Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is instantly affected, and it is no longer possible to conceive of the universe in the absence of the virus.

From Alt.Religion Buddhism Tibetan 1997

2547 BE Virus Update

By Dr. Richard Blackwell

PHURBA VIRUS: annihilates anyone who sends viruses along with their computer and their server. also purifies the network.

CHENREZI VIRUS: downloads programme into your computer which causes computer to do nothing else but pray for all beings to the exclusion of any other operation.

KALACHAKRA VIRUS: downloads extremely complex ritual into the computer which operator must perform before computer will perform any other operation.

HAYAGRIVA VIRUS: enters computer through a back door and takes entire control of your computer by force

TROMA VIRUS: chops your files and operating programme into small pieces transforms them into wisdom nectar then feeds the nectar to non-buddhist computers which it visualizes as demons

MAHAKALA VIRUS: protects your computer from all other viruses but requires you to offer meat and liquor daily through a special opening with which it replaces your floppy drive

EKADZATI VIRUS: allows only one file on your computer

PADMASAMBHAVA VIRUS: subjugates your computer and takes it with it on the path

TARA VIRUS: only allows female operators access. causes computer to give long lecture to male operators concerning views on male-only enlightenment

MANJUSHRI VIRUS: downloads a programme which causes your computer to begin an endless debate over any information you enter

DZOGCHEN VIRUS: deletes all programmes including operating programme leaving only the blue screen of the unborn dharmata.

MENDROLING variation produces white screen of the clear light essence